Never Saw That Coming ....

I'm not special.  Let me start there.  I will not make the narcissistic assumption that my battles are bigger or harder than yours.  We .... collectively .... are all fighting battles we did not see coming six months ago.  It is what it is .... and with that I openly share the unforeseen downside of being a ER nurse during the COVID-19 pandemic.

I'm a PRN nurse which means I work "as needed" by the department.  I have been working 32-38 hours per week the past few months.  However, that has recently changed and I have had to file for unemployment.  Never saw that coming.  In the past months I have grieved for my friends who have been laid off or furloughed but always thankful I didn't have to face that .... until now.

How on earth can nurses be suspended in the midst of a pandemic?  

It all comes down to the bottom line ... as usual.  It should come as no surprise that healthcare corporations are just that .... corporations.  I'd be sticking my head in the sand and playing ostrich if I thought it was actually about the patients.   That's why I work.  That's why I switched professions after 15 years as a financial analyst ... to actually spend my days doing something that bettered the world.  But that's just me.  That's just the bedside people.  Not the stakeholders and board members.

At the end of the day it's still all about the money.

So what we have been told is that our corporation expensed "X" hundred million dollars to prepare for a pandemic that did not generate projected income or patient volumes as expected.  Therefore, we are in the "recovery phase."  As in "cost recovery."  That translates into "we are slashing expenses anywhere and everywhere possible to recoup our money."  They have cut managers' and directors' salaries, mandated 8 days of unpaid (or you can use PTO) leave for non-essential/non-frontline employees, and are implementing "staff-to-volume" structures in the ER.  That means they are cutting frontline workers' hours every day, every shift.  They've reconfigured our staffing models from 3:1 patients:nurse ratio to 4:1 and removed support staff.  That may not sound like much but what that means is balls to the wall when you're on shift.  Higher acuity patients, less staff, less support.  You're getting your ass handed to you 12 hours straight.  But no worries .... the corporation is saving money and you're still saving lives!

Because I'm PRN I'm the first to go.  Our hours got cut first.  Across the board, not just by my corporation.  Two weeks ago I was cut more than 28 hours.  This week I have 12 hours.  Next week I have 8 scheduled hours.  I'm so thankful for my friends and co-workers who are "gifting" me hours to keep me afloat. And our manager is working tirelessly to give me hours as "screener" taking temps and monitoring symptoms at hospital entrances.  I truly am thankful.  But how long will this last?  Single mother of three.  No other income.  In the midst of this my ex is taking me back to court to reduce my child support by 65% and fight for custody of one child.  Feel free to listen to his sermons online.  He's a pastor.  You'll be entertained for an hour but you'll never see the life of Jesus lived out in front of you.  

It is what it is ... I guess none of us should be surprised.  At then end of the day it's always about money.  But I'll think twice before I risk my life and my family's health stepping into a patient's room wearing a 2 month old N-95 mask (that hasn't been disinfected once) and a two-week old surgical mask that's single use in nature .... No worries ... The hospitals get more money for COVID related deaths anyways, right?

Year of the LORD'S Favor

At first glance it seems ironic that the word God gave me for 2020 is FAVOR ... as in this is the year of the LORD'S favor.  Isaiah 61 reads:

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, 

because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.  

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,

to proclaim the year of the LORD'S favor

and the day of vengeance of our God,

to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -

to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, 

the oil of gladness instead of mourning,

and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

They will be called oaks of righteousness,

a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.

He has confirmed it multiple times through various channels, and I know that I did not mistake Him.  He told me that in my life this is the year of FAVOR.  But on the surface ..... it's almost amusing ....

The whole world seems to be "paused" and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  There is fear and anxiety abounding as people question their finances, job security, health, lifestyles and priorities.  I walk into a job (which I am thankful for every day) and wonder if today will be the day that all hell breaks loose.  Or if today will be the day I get sick, or even worse the day I get one of my children sick.  Businesses are closing their doors ... some likely for the final time.  People are dying.  Earthquakes, tornadoes, locusts, wild fires .... but FAVOR???

Yes, FAVOR is what He has spoken to me, and FAVOR is what I am seeing daily.  In the midst of the unknown I see God's hand dealing strongly and in favor on my behalf.  And I am so, so thankful.  I am walking into a job everyday by the grace of God.  Because I recently returned to the ED as PRN staff my hours are not "guaranteed" ... I'm not promised a certain amount of hours per week or per paycheck, nor do I have any health insurance at this time.  But God has shown me favor in that I have been able to pick and choose my hours as best suits my family ... often working 9A-5P (bankers' hours) which is UNHEARD OF in a hospital setting for clinical staff.  Now that school is suspended I am able to work earlier in the mornings and still be home to cook dinner and spend time with my kids.

Favor has been evidenced in unusual and unexpected financial gifts, winning contests (I never win anything!!!) and the possibility of being featured in an upcoming TV commercial (completely unsolicited by me).  My neighborhood has been phenomenal in rallying around me, encouraging me, and dropping off sweet surprises.  I have faithful friends who text weekly to check on me, my kids and my parents.   My discipleship group has continued to send meals, texts of encouragement and prayers despite my inability to consistently ZOOM with the group over quarantine.  My mom stocked my fridge one day while I was at work!  Despite the fact that my dogs have recently discovered eating toilet paper rolls (🙀) one of my dearest friends delivered a case of TP to my door step and ran a few weeks ago :-)

Bless his heart 💙💙

God told me in November of last year that 2020 would be the year of His rebuilding in my life ... the year of restoring the years the locusts have eaten.  God doesn't change and He cannot lie.  And when He spoke those words to me He already knew about COVID-19 and all that it would affect.  So I HAVE to believe Him despite .... despite the questions and concerns and at times fear.  I can no longer allow outside circumstances to shape my beliefs .... my "core."  That would mean that my beliefs are as dependable as the wind.  GOD is GOD yesterday, today and tomorrow.  He does not change with the shifting of the wind.   He does not promise and then not fulfill.  He does not bring about labor pains and then not deliver.  He does not speak and then not act.

My greatest prayer for this year is "God, I don't want to live small.  I want to live BIG in YOU!"  I don't want to sit on the sidelines .... I want to risk big and watch God move mightily on my behalf.  So, despite the Rona, I look forward to 2020 with great anticipation and expectation waiting to watch my GOD create a masterpiece from this canvas!