This weekend I got to see my baby ... my big baby.  And it did my heart so much good. 

You see, I had to leave Barnabas in the care of another family when I went through my divorce and moved back home with my parents.  They graciously let me, my three kids, the Jack Russell, the two fish tanks and four turtles descend upon their rather tranquil and orderly world.  The horse (Barnabas), however, was not welcome.  Though difficult, I knew that I was "loaning" him to a family that would take excellent care of him and I would get to see him often.  Plus, is was strictly a loan, not an adoption, as I kept reminding myself.  Barn would come back home to his Momma as soon as I had a house suitable for him, or a stable, whichever came first.

For those of you who have been on this journey with me since the beginning, you already know why I got Barnabas in the first place and what his name means.  I wanted to put hands and feet (and fur) on the love of God.  You'll just have to go back and read my first post if you're not hanging with me right now.  But what I didn't expect was to learn about receiving the love of God through my four-legged gentle giant.

Much like the prodigal son, I left him.  I left Barnabas and have been living without him for the past 16 months.  And every time I go to see him, I have this deep seeded fear stirring within me that maybe he won't remember me this time.  Or maybe he won't have missed me as much as I've missed him.  Or maybe ... just maybe ... he doesn't love me any more.  When I peel back those layers of fear, what I actually recognize is my inability to forgive myself ... for leaving him, for living without him, for the sparse and hurried time that we do have together.  And I think that I must not deserve his affection any more. 

But when I do see him, it's pretty much like a 747 of slobber and legs locks its sights on me and will not relent until I am sprawled out on the ground and gasping for breath.  That's pretty much what his love looks like.  He pursues me.  He relishes my attention.  He is giddy with affection.  And I lose all sense of self-loathing in his company. 

I bet that's what it feels like to be in God's presence.  Wow.  I wish I could take a nip of that every day. 

All my life I've heard that there's nothing like the unconditional love of a dog ... just three tiny letters that can be rearranged to represent so much More.  Maybe I was working from the wrong side of this equation all along ...

Elephant in the Room

There were four blind men wandering in the jungle.  They came upon an elephant.  The first blind man ran into the side of the elephant and pronounced, "This must be a wall because it is hard and flat."  The second man grabbed the elephant's tail and said, "This must be a vine because I can swing it."  The third blind man felt the elephant's trunk and said, "This must be a snake."  And the fourth blind man felt one of the elephant's legs and remarked, "This must be a tree trunk because it is round and immovable."  Were any of them right?

No, none of them were right because none of them could comprehend the entire animal.  Each had limited information and presumptuously made hasty and false judgement.  Their conclusions seemed right at the time, given the experience and information that each had, but each was only a small piece of a very large beast that they were critiquing.

Likewise, there are many situations in life that we cannot understand.  Many circumstances that appear to be one way when they are in reality a completely different animal.  We may come upon an obstacle in our path and have no idea how to identify it, how to interpret it, how to understand it, or how to respond to it.  We grasp for what little understanding we can and try to reconcile it with our world view or compartmentalize it somewhere that it seems to fit neatly and tidily and tuck it away.

Most of the time we may only be privy to a tiny bit of information (and false information at that), and as we all know, a tiny bit of information can be a dangerous thing.  I've heard it said many times over the last few years that perception is reality ... but it's not.  Were any of the four blind men right?

I say this, because there are many out there  wrestling over recent decisions made in my life.  Many are struggling with questions about why and how, fumbling with small bits of information and trying to make sense of it all.  Depending on which angle you're coming from, you may see a completely different animal that the man beside you.  It's not going to make sense to you, and it doesn't have to.  No one is going to be able to comprehend what happened, what truly went wrong. 

It's an elephant in the dark, and no blind man can assess it correctly.  Only God knows what happened, and only God is worthy to stand in judgement.   

You Cannot Lose My Love

Finding comfort in a favorite song of mine that I haven't listened to in years ... with Barnabas curled up (in a rather large curl) by my side : ) Needing to be reminded of God's love for his children.


You Cannot Lose My Love by Sara Groves

You will lose your baby teeth • At times you'll lose your faith in me • You will lose a lot of things • But you cannot lose my love • • You may lose your appetite • Your guiding sense of wrong and right • You may lose your will to fight • But you cannot lose my love • • You will lose your confidence • In times of trial your common sense • You may lose your innocence • But you cannot lose my love • • Many things can be misplaced • Your very memories be erased • No matter what the time or space • You cannot lose my love • • You cannot lose • You cannot lose • You cannot lose my love • •

Birthdays and Bucket Lists

Well, my big boy celebrated his first birthday this week, and now we've rolled over into a new year. It's been fun and hectic and full of family and friends, but now I am ready for the quiet that follows and the slightly dreary pace of winter. I seem to need that time to recoup and refocus. I like drinking hot coffee or tea throughout the day and sitting down to a steaming bowl of butternut squash soup for lunch. And I don't mind when it rains .... it just makes me want to light a fire or make a craft with my girls. Maybe it's my melancholy personality that makes me feel at home during the winter .... it's the one time of the year that the outside world matches my inside world, and I can just slow down a little.

Looking back on the last seven months since Barnabas came into my life, there have been plenty of funny stories and experiences, some that hurt and some that didn't : ) The top five might include ...

1. He gave me my first shiner with that hard head of his.
2. He knocked me and my two-year old down a flight of stairs.
3. He successfully destroyed three very good dog beads, including two crib mattresses.
4. He taught us the hard way that his stomach can really ONLY handle dry dog food.
5. He outgrew the doggy door AND outgrew me in weight.

Though these pinpoints might make him look like a destructive beast, he really isn't and I am so glad that he is a part of our family. He is gentle, patient, needy, sweet, a snuggler and best of all ... a momma's boy! Check it out ...

Speaking of which, I haven't had straight A's on my report card this past year either. Let's just say I've had a few "instances" that probably knocked me out of the running for "Mother of the Year," but I'm okay with that .... I mean .... nobody's perfect!

For instance, it is just plain common sense that you don't mess with someone's child. Because if you do .... the mama bear instincts that take over are not pretty. I mean, it's one thing when your child gets bullied by another kid at school, but it goes to a whole new level when an adult does the bullying! So ... I discovered a whole new side of me. There was this person, who I will refer to as "White Trash Rach," that came exploding up from somewhere deep within, and all I've got to say is ... WOA! (For a split second there I thought I had nine-inch air brushed fingernails waving all up in yo face) ... But for the sake of myself (and everyone else), I'm really hoping that she was a one-shot-wonder, and that she won't be making any other appearances, cause she really was foul. I admit, it was not one of my classier moments, but then again ... use some common sense people!

Then there was that day that my two-year old set her hair on fire .... Yeah, it was pretty horrific for a few split seconds. I mean, I'm making waffles for my seven-year old son because he's the only one who has to get up and go to school that morning and he's ticked. So I'm trying to make the morning as painless for him as possible. I've got music playing on the radio, a new pumpkin spice candle lit, warm ovaltine in the microwave, and homemade waffles on the iron. I let Barnabas in to say good morning, which turned into the girls squealing and running in horror because drool that early in the morning was just more than they could bear. So I set Sarabelle on the kitchen island to keep her from getting trampled on or drooled on. Good idea, right? Yeah ... except for the lit candle next to her part. She apparently wanted to give it a sniff and leaned over a little too close, letting her hair fall onto the burning wick. All I know is, I hear this faint squeal, and when I turn around, she looks like a human candle with 6 inch flames above her head!! There are not words to describe my horror. It was instantaneous .... I just grabbed both sides of her head with my hands and screamed. Fortunately, that's all it took to put the flames out and her head was not burned at all. It must have just singed off the top layer of hair (or hairspray) and you can't even tell when you look at her. Whew! That could have been soooooo bad. Nevertheless, not in the running for Mother of the Year, but don't worry, I am still capable of handling play dates and babysitting your kids .... really!

Oh life .... it just has it's way of taking you in unexpected directions! Looking back over my life this last year has made me realize that I'm thankful for all the craziness and laughter, the ups and the downs. It has not all been easy, but I'm still breathing, so it must not have killed me. You know, when I first got Barnabas, I was really excited about training him to be my running partner. I mean ... he's got four legs as long as mine, so he should at least be able to manage a few good miles with me : ) But my online research taught me that you really shouldn't run a Dane until they are at least 18 months old. Why? Because the pressure on their joints is too much just from simply growing. The added pounding of running would be too much on their joints during their biggest growth spurt. So you are encouraged to wait until they are able to bear the load well. Hmmm.

Maybe that's where I've been these last few years. Waiting. But on what? Waiting for my soul to settle down? Waiting for some storms to pass? Waiting until I am strong enough to step back into life without being crushed? Sometimes surviving is enough. And I am not ashamed to say that surviving was my best some days. But I think I'm past that now. I think I'm ready to step back into the world of living and go for some things that I want. After all, living is so much better than just surviving. So what do I want? Here's a peek at a few things from my bucket list for 2012 ...

• Start blazing a trail towards nursing school ... I've got five pre-reqs to knock out prior to entering the BSN program. My first class starts one week from tomorrow!
• Complete Tough Mudder GA 2012 ... rain or shine : )
  
• Climb another Colorado fourteener this summer.
• Kayak trip with Aunt Exie and friends.
• Light up the night with sky lanterns : )
• Write at least six chapters of the book I've started.
• Maybe take a friend up on that spear fishing invite?

Why not? I'm a 35 year old mother of three ... my life is just starting! You're never too old to learn new things or chase new dreams. So get after it ... Happy New Year my friends!!

Turning in His Man Card ...

Well ... just the other morning I loaded up Barnabas in to the family "swagger wagon" for what he thought was an early morning special treat just for him ... and in a way it was. He just didn't know where he was going. He's tall enough now that he can stand on all fours and stick his head out of the rear window of the van. He gets that neck stretched out, his nose in the air, and his jowls start flapping in the wind like crazy. And I cannot help enjoying all the funny expressions and rubber neckers that swerve all over the road as they drive by! And Barnabas loves it too ... especially the gallons of drool part that leaves spit strings all the way down the back of my car ... it's unbelievable. Seriously ... it's like a road trip and a car wash all in one!

We arrived at the vet and he was still as chipper as could be. He strode in to the giant waiting room and immediately all eyes were on him. Of course, he was completely oblivious, which is why I think it's so funny. But gasps and whispers filled the air as each person in turn asked their question ... "How old is he?" "How much does he EAT?" "How much does he weigh?" "Is he as gentle as they say?" Ha .... it totally entertains me! So as he's basking in the shower of admiration, he has no idea that he's about to turn in his man card. Oh yeah ... it's snippage time ... today is the day to get "fixed." (Or as my 7 year old loves to say, "he's gettin' his junk cut off Momma!" ... well ... yes, he is). And since our vet does not take appointments you can pretty much guarantee sitting there for at least an hour. Barnabas chose to spend that hour in my lap ...


When his turn arrived, I dropped him off without a fight and promised him lots of TLC when he got home. I picked him up the next day expecting to find him humiliated and embarrassed with a large lamp shade collar thing around his neck and his tail tucked ... but he was fine ... like he didn't miss a beat (or anything else :). And I thought to myself, "Well, dang. I wish I could get 'fixed' that easily." No ... I'm not trans-gender, just in case you were wondering. I'm not talking about that kind of "fixed." I'm talking about the turning in the other type of "man card" .... the fleshly man, the carnal man, the selfish man that wages war against my spirit ... that's the man card I'd like to turn in so easily. Sometimes the war between my inner man and my spirit can become so tiring, especially when I'm wrestling through hard faith issues.

Recently I have been reading "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis. It is a short book describing Lewis' loss of faith and faith restored after the death of his bride. It is raw and real, which always sucks me in immediately. Describing his search for God in his grief Lewis writes, "suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. " It still hurts but it makes sense. If God gave in to our cries for mercy before he was done uprooting our sin, then it would all be for naught. And we know that God does nothing in vain.

Lewis also describes the beginning moments of his sorrow and how he felt like God was no where to be found. He states, "But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence. You may as well turn away. The longer you wait, the more emphatic the silence will become." Ouch. It wouldn't have struck a nerve so much if I hadn't felt the same way lately. At times that silence seemed deafening. But so much comfort is found in knowing that one of the most beloved theologians/authors in recent history felt that way too! Towards the end of his book, Lewis comes back to this idea. He says, "And so, perhaps, with God. I have gradually been coming to feel that the door is no longer shut and bolted. Was it my own frantic need that slammed it in my face? The time when there is nothing at all in your soul except a cry for help may be just the time when God can't give it: you are like the drowning man who can't be helped because he clutches and grabs. Perhaps your own reiterated cries deafen you to the voice you hoped to hear." Hmm. Maybe. Still not sure I like that I answer, but I'm chewing on it. Sometimes things have to go down like a lozenge ... just let it sit in the back of your mouth and slowly dissolve.

What are your thoughts? Why do you think that sometimes God is silent (or seems absent) when Scripture promises us that he's not? I'd love to know your thoughts ...

Is He Big Enough??

Is he big enough? You probably think I'm talking about Barnabas, but this time I'm not. I'm talking about God. I keep repeating that question to myself over and over it seems, and somehow, it seems to give me a quiet and undefined confidence.

He is big enough. Big enough for my questions. Big enough for my doubts. Big enough to wrestle through struggles with me without snapping me in two. Big enough to hold the world in His hands yet still cradle me in His arms. One of the reasons I am not afraid of who I am is because God is not afraid of who I am. He knows me. And He's big enough to handle me.

There are so many people that doubt. Or they're angry or paralyzed by some gripping fear, but they don't want God to know about it. They would feel "unspiritual" by telling Him. That might, in their minds, seem blasphemous. But I have found freedom in that raw honesty. If God really is who He says He is, then He's big enough to handle anything that I could throw at Him. Not that I'm out to be the devil's advocate and wreak havoc of my faith, that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is raw and uncensored relationship with Jesus. Being able to deal with who I am where I am, without fear of rejection or stoning. The Pharisees did a superb job of derailing many a layman's faith in the Bible, and unfortunately, I've met one too many Pharisees in my day. I'm over religion .... that's not what I'm here for.

You may be surprised to hear my saying this. I mean, I'm a pastor's wife for crying out loud. Aren't I supposed to wear jumpers and lace blouses and play the piano? (Don't hold your breath on that one!) I'm not supposed to wear my frailty on my sleeves and openly admit that I struggle. Sorry. You're not going to get that from me. You're not going to get anything but the raw deal, and I know that that will make some people uncomfortable. But I hope that more people find it refreshing and comforting than those that it ruffles their feathers. I don't know how to be any other way .... I'm not in this journey to please other people or make my family look like the Cleavers. I'm just here to figure out who my God is and fall in love with Him. The outpouring of my in-love heart will be evidence of that relationship.

So, how am I putting hands and feet on this idea? For one, God has probably heard more than enough about how I feel and what I think. I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but unfortunately, I am sort of hung up like one. Second, I'm going to start studying His attributes. I figure the best way for me to re-rail my faith is to go back to the Source, and study who God is.... based on His Word alone ... straight from the horse's mouth. Then I can maybe begin tossing out the wrong ideas or concepts that I have lazily acquired over the years. I'll be sure to let you know what I'm learning along the way. Right now I'm just getting my cool binder organized and ready for take off. Thanks for reading!

When Relationships Get Messy

What a week! I think that I probably experienced the entire emotional range possible on just about any given day last week. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m glad it’s over! It all started Tuesday morning when I decided to get up early and go to the gym before my husband’s outpatient surgery. My rational was that I would spend the majority of the day sitting, so I’d get ahead of the curve with an early workout and then enjoy my time resting in the waiting room. Unfortunately … that didn’t go as planned. As soon as I walked out my bedroom door I could smell the foul fumes of Great Dane explosion rising up the stairs. It was 6:45am. It was appalling. When I opened my laundry room door it looked like a mud slinging contest had erupted during the night, and there were no winners, only casualties. I was shell-shocked. And then I did what any chicken of a person would do. I quickly let all three dogs out into the backyard, posted a sticky note on the laundry room door saying “Do Not Enter,” and quietly slipped out the door. It was just too early to deal with that shit … literally.

Admittedly, I knew that it was a bad decision at the time. My in-laws would be coming into town to see my post-surgery hubby, and our sweet live-in college graduate would be taking care of our three kids all day in the midst of the nastiness. I fully intended to clean it up as soon as we got home from the hospital, but other people would have to deal with my procrastination and laziness in the meantime. Where am I going with this? Relationships are messy. Real messy.

Not only did Barnabas download his unhappy stomach one night, not two nights, but three nights in a row. His jail cell sized crate is too big to fit through the laundry room door so it can’t just be carried out and hosed off. You have to take the liner pan out and tilt it to the side to get it through the door, all the while trying to keep any output from slipping off the pan and splattering on the floor. Then you have to take his monster size body pillow out to “breathe” in the sunshine before you can even attempt to remove it and shove it in the washer. Then come the scrubbing and disinfecting of the entire laundry room floor and walls. All while a less than two year old hangs onto your left leg and keeps repeating “I clean Mama too.” It was a lot of mess and a lot of work.

But do I still love Barnabas? Yes. Did I spend all that time cleaning up his mess and bathing him in my Jacuzzi tub because I love him? Yes. Our relationship got messy for the first real time, and probably will have at least 100 more minor disasters, but that’s a part of loving something … or someone. We are going to disgust each other, hurt each other, and let each other down. And then it’s our choice to get over it and move on, or stew in it and grow bitter. Inventory of my life may show that I've spent far too much time stewing.

My husband likes to find funny things on the internet and share them with me. Once of his favorite findings was a site of demotivational posters. One of my favorites is this ...

Unfortunately, it is funny and sad, but true. I am the weak link in all my relationships. Granted, my friends and family may be weaker and more dysfunctional than I am, but that still doesn't negate the fact that I'm dysfunctional too. Dysfunctional from birth because of the fall. Dysfunctional still because I'm waiting on the Second Coming. No matter how hard we all try, we are tainted by sin, and not just sin at our appendages, but sin at our core. It is deeply woven into the fabric of our being. Yes, Jesus promises to give those of us who call on Him a new heart (and Praise Jesus for that!) but we're still going to be broken and hurting people who break and hurt people on this side of eternity.

At least if we understand our contribution to the problems in our relationships, then we're half way to correcting what is within our power. We can't fix other people, but we can try to fix the junk that is honestly ours. That doesn't sound like much fun, but it's the only productive way of changing something ... starting with yourself. I think I'm about to begin a very long journey on that ... wish me well : )