Angry Chic Music

Usually when I go running I listen to music. And not just any old music. It's what my husband likes to refer to as my "angry chic" music. It's got to have a strong beat, some gut wrenching lyrics, and something to make me want to pound the pavement or shake my booty. I am convinced that my youngest daughter will be the next Beyonce' because of all the booty music she heard in utero on my runs! But seriously, I've gotten to the point that I don't like to run without music. I used to think it was because I didn't like to hear the sound of my own breathing or my feet scuffing along the hot pavement. Their sounds were a constant reminder that I was doing something that actually felt torturous at the time with benefits paying off later.

But now I realize that more honestly, the reason is that I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I've been in some dark places over the last few years, and I'm usually running to get away from my thoughts or fighting my own personal demons. At least it's a constructive way of channeling my inner beast. But my angry chic music gets me going and makes me feel not so alone in my war against the world. So it's been a long time since I've been out walking or running with nothing but the sounds of every day life filling my ears.

Until I met Barnabas. And now that we have settled into a routine, part of our day consists of time on the leash walking the neighborhood to socialize him with other dogs and people, as well as work on his obedience skills. It is quickly becoming one of my favorite parts of the day. Not just because I feel kinda cool strutting my beast of a dog down the street, but because I have found a refreshing comfort in the quiet and solitude. Maybe it's a good crutch for me, cause I'm not really alone after all. And I'm still doing something, which is a lot easier for me than doing nothing. Nothingness scares me for the same reasons ... I'm uncomfortable with being alone with my thoughts.

I haven't always been this way, but for the last three years I've experienced what I like to call a "soul quake" .... God destroying anything in my life that stands in between me and Him. And unfortunately, I'm not a passive person. And I haven't gone down without a fight. I'm not like Joseph in the Old Testament who can go to jail for crimes he did not commit and have the inner man to still praise God and wait patiently. I have questioned, and doubted, and raised the roof with four letter words and clenched fists. And three years later, I'm slowly starting to run out of steam. I'm slowly beginning to lower my inner voice and stop arching my back in defiance. It's been a long road and I am sure there are still many miles ahead, but I'm just now learning to stop and enjoy the scenery along the way ... thanks to Barnabas.