Hard Heads

So .... I'm beginning to realize why Barnabas and I are such good friends .... we are actually pretty similar as far as a person and a beast goes. He's awkward and gangly ... I'm awkward and gangly at times ... as evidenced by the fact that I fell down the lower half of my stairs this morning while carrying a cup of hot coffee. It was fast but not graceful and I'm pretty sure I have a slight concussion from the whole ordeal. Barnabas is friendly .... and I've won all sorts of superlatives for being the "Friendliest" friend around. But the real kicker is the whole hard headed thing. Barnabas has a HARD head, and let me tell you, you better duck if you see it heading your way. He has busted my lip clean open on more than one occasion just while being sweet or excited. For anyone that has known me for any length of time, you would probably say the same thing ... I've got a hard head too. And when Barnabas and I collide ... it hurts!

Why the hard head? Some of it came at birth. I was born with a swagger towards independence. Some of it came as I matured and flew the nest. I was finally going to do things MY way. Some of it has come from trial and error ... and errors meaning I won't make that same mistake twice. And some of it has come in self-defense. Just simply putting up walls against people and things that have hurt in the past vowing that that won't ever happen again.

But a hard head can sometimes silently influence and callous a hard heart. And that's where it gets tricky. I've found myself there lately ... hard headed and hard hearted. The walls that you throw up around your heart and your head are meant for protection, they're meant to keep you safely locked inside. But somehow they always end up leading you into a dry and weary wasteland wandering around lost, not exactly sure how you got there and definitely without a clue as to how to get back. I've spent a lot of time wandering.

I've read two books lately relating to the subject. The first is Paul Miller's "A Praying Life." In it he describes being hard hearted or cynical as having "built up scar tissue from our frustrations, and we don't want to expose ourselves anymore. Fear constrains us. Cynicism and defeated weariness have this in common: They both question the active goodness of God on our behalf. Left unchallenged, their low-level doubt opens the door for bigger doubt. They've lost their childlike spirit." One of Miller's remedies for a hard heart is to cultivate a spirit of thankfulness. "Nothing undercuts cynicism more than a spirit of thankfulness. You begin to realize that your whole life is a gift."

The second book that has been a beautiful companion is Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts." It focuses on her journey out of ruptured hopes and crushing disappointments into a life full of thankfulness and every day Love. In her attempt to redeem losses she describes her shattered worldview: "Losses do that. One life-loss can infect the whole of a life. Like a rash that wears through our days, our sight becomes peppered with black voids. Now everywhere we look, we only see all that isn't: holes, lack, deficiency ... Years, I have felt it in the veins, the pulsing of ruptured hopes." But she goes on to describe "that which tears open our souls, those holes that splatter our sight, may actually become the thin, open places to see through the mess of this place to the heart-aching beauty beyond. To Him. To the God whom we endlessly crave."

Maybe so. Maybe God will eventually peek through those fracture lines and reveal to me something infinitely more beautiful than I think possible. Voskamp's book details her journaling journey as she tries to write a list of one thousand things that she loves. One thousand blessings. One thousand gifts that she already HAS ... in her every day life. "They are just the common things and maybe I don't even know they are gifts really until I write them down ... Gifts He bestows. This writing it down - is is sort of like ... unwrapping love."

In my attempt to rediscover my God, I'm going to play around with the same idea. What are some every day gifts that He has given me that bring me so much joy and reflect His beauty? This is where I've started ...


1. The color robin's egg blue.
2. Puppy breath.
3. The smell of baby's feet.
4. The sound of the TV clicking off.
5. NOT having to do the ironing.
6. Golden aspens in Colorado
7. Fancy travel coffee mugs
8. Warm chocolate chip cookies
9. New running shoes
10. Blue Ridge mountains in the Fall
11. Cutting into a brand new jar of peanut butter
12. Fireflies in the summer sky
13. A good back massage.
14. My dog Zack.
15. Eli's dimples.
16. The smell of pumpkin pie baking.
17. The sound of frogs and crickets at dusk.
18. Being on any body of water.
19. Thomas Donut Shack!
20. The smell of a coffee shop.
21. Soft puppy ears and a warm cup of coffee in bed.
22. Unexpected grace and love from a long lost friend.
23. A perfect Georgia peach ... fragrant and sweet.
24. Chic-fil-a's sweet tea and lemonade mixed.
25. Girls' weekend at the lake.